Item #: SCP-5031

Object Class: Keter

Laconic Containment Procedures: SCP-5031 is kept in an airtight box at Bio-Site-59.

Laconic Description: SCP-5031 is a creature that ceases to exist when observed. While in captivity, SCP-5031 learned to act like a normal human.

Laconic test logs

1: Music - It likes Ben Folds best.

2: Play - After a few broke balls, it started having some fun with basketballs.

3: Food - We threw some food in there and it chose between them. After we did this a few times, we learned it likes cooked meat best (like chicken)

4: Friends -

  • We let in a chicken. 5031 accidentally killed it by yeeting a bowling ball at it. It was really distressed afterwards.
  • We let in a chicken. It rolled a basketball at the chicken. The chicken didn’t like that and walked away. 5031 didn’t go near the chicken after that.
  • We let in a blindfolded D. They rolled a basketball at each other.
  • Let in a blindfolded D again. D taught 5031 how to catch a ball.

5: Symbols and reading - Set up a few dispensers and screens in its room to see if we can teach it to read and understand pictures.

  • One dispenser’s screen showed a rock, and dispensed rocks. The other dispensed chicken and had a picture of chicken. 5031 pressed the chicken button.
  • Swapped the screens and outputs. It went to yesterday’s chicken dispenser (today’s rocks) and got rocks. It went to the other and got chicken.
  • Swapped back, and set the screens and outputs to randomly swap now. It got a bit confused but then realized what was happening and consistently pressed the chicken button.
  • Activated all 5 dispensers. 4 displayed the word ROCK and dispensed (you guessed it) rocks. The other showed CHICKEN and gave out chicken. Through trial and error, 5031 learns to read the words CHICKEN and ROCK.
  • Deactivated rock dispensers. Deactivated chicken dispenser’s button. Gave 5031 wood blocks, each with a letter in the word “chicken”. The dispenser would only activate when 5031 made the word CHICKEN. It didn’t figure out the test and got real mad.
  • Changed the image to an image of wood blocks spelling CHICKEN. After a while, it made the word CHICKEN and got its food. It can read and write.

6: Vocabulary - It’s learned to write out, using blocks, what it wants to eat today, what music it would like, and who it wants to play with. It’s also learned to sing and juggle.

7: Activity -

  • We let in a D, and gave 5031 some paper and crayons. It’s learned to draw its friends and favorite foods.
  • Let in a piano and told the D to teach it Chopsticks. It likes that, but prefers making its own music.
  • Gave it a spice rack. Spent days experimenting. Ran out of garlic powder and flipped out.

Turns out it loves cooking.

8: Cooking - We gave it some kitchen implements (no knifes of course, to compensate, it uses its tail, which is very sharp), and it’s learned to make some yummy dishes. It’s a really good chef.


SCP-5031 has said its first word: "Salt".

We are all immensely proud.

Final test

We let it make a 3-course meal over Thanksgiving. It did great. Also had a little concert where it premiered an original piano sonata. Everyone loved it. End of testing.

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